Feel First, Then Figure it Out
Photo cred: Simplybeloved.co
Dear Kendra,
Today you forgot your stuffed dog at school and you were super upset about it. I could’ve tried to distract you (maybe unsuccessfully) or draw a hard line about not going back to get it. But I had an idea about how to turn this experience into a life lesson. I call this one “Feel first, then figure it out.”
You’re 3. That means you have a LOT of big emotions in a relatively “small” maturing brain. This mismatched combination often leads to several tantrums or meltdowns on any given day. Add in a missed nap here and there, a stressful event, a global health pandemic and a global society that largely can’t deal with life even as adults right now, and I can imagine it’s extra hard for you to manage your emotions in a constructive way. Here’s the thing…
Emotions in and of themselves are not bad, nor good. It’s how you respond to them that counts. Emotions are simply moments of information for your mind, body and spirit to consider as it navigates life towards your fullest potential and most joyous self. Feel upset? That means you didn’t like whatever just happened. Let’s work on changing, influence or accepting it. Feel excited? That means you really enjoy whatever person or thing you are getting ready for. Let’s plan more of that!
Yesterday, you felt sad and regretful that you forgot doggy at school. (It’s worth adding that your distress was mostly due to the fact that you thought doggy would be scared staying at school overnight all by himself; not that you didn’t have the toy you wanted – you little empath, you!) After a long day at pre-school the emotional part of your brain took over and you had a meltdown. You are allowed to have meltdowns. You are allowed to cry, kick, scream, squeeze, sob, hug or crumble so long as you keep yourself safe and show respect for others who your actions may impact. FEEL IT, GIRL!
But don’t stop there. That’s just the beginning.
Feel first, then figure it out.
Once you were calm we talked about what the need (or desire) was behind your feelings and what actions you might need to take to have that desire met. You desired to have doggy back in your possession at home so that he didn’t feel scared and so that you had him to snuggle with at bed time. You knew doggy was at school and that the only way you were going to get there was if mommy agreed to drive you. You know that you are much more likely to get what you want out of all relationships and situations in life if you speak to what you want in a kind, strong tone of voice. And you know (in not so few words) that in any relationship, it feels best when there is give and take. So you figured it out… you asked me nicely if I would please take you back to school to get doggy. I said we could after I finished feeding Jada. Then we agreed that since I was helping you go get doggy, I would need a little extra help getting dinner ready so you would help me set the table after we got home. Together, we figured it out.
Someday you’ll be a grownup and be able to figure out anything that you channel your emotions towards on your own. As I always say to you (quoting the brilliant Marie Forleo), “everything is figureout-able”. For now, get ready for a lot of repetition as the low stakes examples we come across day to day serve as our practice playground for feeling and then figuring out whatever comes your way in life when the stakes are high.
With all my love and support,
Mommy