On FEAR…

Photo credit: Simplybeloved.co

My sweet Kendra,

Three nights ago, we overcame your fear of fireworks together. This is only one of many fears you will have the chance to conquer in your lifetime, but I want to offer an approach to thinking about and overcoming fear that can apply to all scary situations you encounter - big or small. I'm sure just being with you through more fearful experiences in the future will give me more practice to evolve this guidance as your mom and mentor, but here is what I have to offer today...

You've always been afraid of loud noises, from champagne corks sending you into hysterics as a baby to loud sneezes sending you hurling into my legs for comfort as a toddler. In particular, you've had progressively more polarizing responses to fireworks as you've aged. Last year there was a fireworks show above the condo we stayed at in Smuggler's Notch, VT and you talked about how you "didn't like the BOOM!" for no less than 6 months after. We talked about that experience many times during our "rock and talk" sessions at night, and agreed that the next time there was to be fireworks we would bring your earmuffs so that you could see the pretty colors of fireworks, but not have to hear the boom as loud. This 4th of July was our chance to put that plan into action.

It all sounded perfect to you on paper, but when the moment of truth came, all you wanted to do was stay in your bed with the earmuffs on and wish the fireworks away. It was hard to watch you clench your face as tears streamed down your cheeks on that first night. My child, that’s no way to fall asleep.

So, the second night I was determined to help you break through the paralysis. I knew that the false fear of thinking you might not be safe during fireworks was worse than the truth of facing your fear, and actually proving to yourself that you are safe during fireworks. 

On the next day (4th of July), the fireworks started early. I had you draw your fear on a piece of paper and then we talked about how much bigger than that fear you were. You tore it up and crumpled it and acted out how much dominance you intended to have over that fear. But you still wore your earmuffs as we ate dinner outside to drown them out. You put ear plugs in first and then earmuffs over them as you went to bed, determined to shut out both the noise and your fear of the noise.

But, here's the thing... 

If you ignore your fear, try to repress it or make it go away indirectly,  IT WILL STAY. Moreover, it will continue to grow like an invasive virus and cause unhealthy manifestations of anxiety in your body, your mind and your spirit until you are paralyzed from it .This was what happened as you shook and cried in your bed that night.

And so I decided it was time to let that fear go by walking through it then and there.

I swiftly put a sweatshirt on you and carried you out to the beach in the dark. You kicked and pleaded for me to bring you back inside, but I knew it was my job in that moment to do what was best for you, because you didn't have the capacity to access it for yourself. For the next 30 minutes we watched the fireworks together as I held you. At first you were shaking and scared, but after only a few minutes you were joyful and remarking at all the colors you saw, how some looked like glitter, how some were "dancing together” as they exploded in sync, and how they were coming REALLY fast during the grand finale. By stepping through your fear, you got over it and lived out your intentions to dominate your fear (while learning for yourself that you actually DO like fireworks after all).

When it was time to go inside I asked rhetorically, "Let's go inside now and get some sleep, what do you say?" You thought I was referring to manners so you sweetly replied, "Thank you neighbors, for the nice fireworks show." [insert melting heart]

You are still proudly telling everyone who enters our home about how you watched fireworks outside and how "brave" you were. Just remember, YOU are always brave. Sometimes you may not feel brave or behave in a brave way in the moment, but you can always go back inside yourself and remember that you as a spirit are brave as hell.

Elizabeth Gilbert offers a great way to speak about fear...It was the first part of our brain that developed in prehistoric times and is our brain's way to keep us safe. It activates whenever we get an idea to try something new. Fear's job is to keep you from doing new things, based on a false equation that something new = something dangerous to your well-being. While that equation may SOMETIMES contain a truth, your more evolved self can talk to it and work with it in a way that keeps you safe AND thriving towards wonderfully creative and fulfilling experiences in life.

So know this about fear.
  
It will always be present as long as you are growing, evolving, creating and truly LIVING in this lifetime. And so fear itself is not a "bad" thing. It can be annoying or frustrating to deal with, and it can cause discomfort, but overall it is a sign that you are growing and living a wholehearted life. You can always choose to overcome a fear, but to do so you must acknowledge it, talk TO it, and walk THROUGH it . Do not shy away from it; there is SO much magic, pride, celebration and enjoyment to be experienced on the other side of fear (and of course, I will be here to walk through it with you so long as I am able).    

With much love and pride,

Mommy