It Wasn’t Supposed to Be This Way

Not the first day of pre-school I imagined for my kids when choosing to have them…

My sweet girls,

Get the tissues out. Today's message is a bit somber, but it is weighing heavily on my heart so I feel compelled to share it. By the time you receive it, all events mentioned will have presumably made their way into history books, and the world will be what it is. I know you will not remember anything else, but I will.

And I do.

So, until I put it out of me and onto something for you, these feelings will keep eating me up like an unresolved feeling of grief inside. So here it is...

With all my being, I AM SO SORRY.

I realize we are fortunate to have MANY blessings. We create a lot of joy each day. And I inherently trust that no matter what happens we will be okay so long as we have each other. But, I still have a lot of sadness in my heart right now… Mostly because I had hoped your futures would be a positive evolution of what I've experienced - not a devastating wake of destruction for you and your peers to pick up and make some sort of sense from. I'm embarrassed for my generation and those who have preceded mine, and I am deeply saddened for yours. 

The authorities are giving a bleak outlook that the COVID-19 pandemic will have ripple effects for decades. The amount of hate-based or "fake" or fear mongering headlines that continue to be unconsciously spit out by our nation's media is staggering. (In fact, it's near impossible to find an uplifting one without intentionally searching for it.) Financial crises are creating a greater divide between the "haves" and "have nots".

I simply cannot fathom why the greater majority of mankind, and the most powerful leaders in our country, prefer to live in and perpetuate a world of anger, fear, hatred and destruction. It is not who WE are, and I will not let it invade our household or your perception of life on this planet. But I am still sad that it is here for me to observe in my adult body, and process, and reject and consider as I plan the "next best move" for you - for us. 

It wasn't supposed to be like this. As a family unit, we were supposed to be able to travel and show you different corners of the world and cultures without a trail of fears and anxieties threatening our well-being as we did so. As children, you were supposed to be able to attend group events, go to as many music classes and concerts and shows and playdates as you wanted. As a mother, I was supposed to have at least a few years of imaginary, playful talks with you instead of having to educate you on mask wearing and yucky germs and racism before the ripe age of 3.  

But this is a lesson in surrender. Before and after you were born, I had so many "perfect pictures" in my mind. And apparently the Universe/God/Spirit had more important lessons planned in her grand design. Every part of me wants to resist, but to what end? Instead I must surrender to the truth of what is, and search for the new creative doors of possibility that are being opened for us while the dark, grief-filled ones continue shutting by the day. I suppose we can't always get what we want, but if we surrender to the truth of what is, we can always find new and exciting ways to get what we need. All while gathering up the plethora of valuable lessons along the way. 

So here goes an attempt to make peace with the process of surrendering and turning grief into hope...

Maybe this is the reason you are both so brilliant beyond your years... because it's people like you who are going to save the world from itself. It’s people like you who are going to boil all these seemingly complex issues down to simple values-based solutions and affect change with a vengeance. Maybe you will identify your calling before the ripe age of 4 and not be like me, still trying to discover it at age 35. 

Maybe truthfully teaching you about struggles early on will free you from the belief that they need to somehow control you, or be a lifelong adversary to avoid. Just maybe you'll even learn to befriend struggles and make them an enabling partner towards your true potential, instead of an inhibiting barrier. Maybe the current sadness is actually drawing a map towards your better future, and we're just waiting for the roadwork to be done instead of wasting our gas driving towards nothing... Maybe you will have the capacity to fully appreciate freedom having come from restriction. Maybe your evidence of social anxiety is an amazing gift in a world that is shifting more and more to a socially distant operating model.

Just MAYBE {fill in the blank}.

I feel hopeful. But I also feel sad, and both are okay. They can exist together, and while it feels like a lot to carry right now, I will gladly carry them both so that you only have to worry about carrying your teddy bear blanket, your pacifier or your chronically naked baby doll for at least a little bit longer. 

With all my love and hope,

Mommy